A new study released by Insurance.com reported the ten most dangerous drivers by profession. In what is either proof of Karma or of a scam by the insurance industry to screw over lawyers on their car insurance rates, the study ranked lawyers #1 as the profession most likely to be in an automobile accident. According to the study, 44% of all lawyers and judges reported filing accident claims in the past. Factoring in the propensity of lawyers to lie, this roughly equates to 97% of all lawyers and judges having been in automobile accidents in the past (the remaining 3% are the ones who make more money than the other 97% combined, and therefore use a chauffeur).
Sam Belden, vice-president of Insurance.com, attributed the number of auto accidents to the top 10 professions due to one major factor – multitasking. “Professions that demand multi-tasking – being on the phone, moving fast on a tight schedule – are prone to more distractions and, from there, more accidents,” said Belden.
These ten professions are not the only ones involving a high level of multitasking, so why did these 10 in particular rise to the top of the list? The Insurance.com study did not address that issue, so we decided to engage in our own analysis of the situation. Our process involved taking core statistical data, engaging in wild speculation about the meaning of the data, making assumptions based on the speculative conclusions which we liked, and then fabricating out of thin air any remaining facts necessary to support the conclusions we wanted. Thus, our conclusions are roughly as accurate as the average White House economic projection.
- Lawyers/Judges. Lawyers, and their judicial counterparts in black robes, are the profession most likely to be in a car accident. This statistic is somewhat unfair to the lawyers and judges because it fails to account for how often they are run off the road by angry citizen drivers. Couple this with the glee with which a cop will blame a lawyer for a car accident whenever possible, and the poor lawyers and judges never really had a chance. The insurance industry denied any link between classifying lawyers as high-risk drivers (and thus charging them higher insurance premiums) with the amount of money lawyers cost insurance companies each year in lawsuits, but we know a conspiracy when we see one. As soon as we find the right plaintiff in the right judicial forum, we’ll be filing a class action lawsuit to prove it.
- Financial Professionals. No doubt their driving was first affected by their tears over the collapse of the financial markets, quickly followed by booty dancing while driving as they learned they were still getting their multi-million dollar bonuses, courtesy of the taxpayer-funded TARP program. After swinging through more moods than a manic-depressive smoking crack and taking quaaludes, it is no wonder that the driving of bankers and investment advisors was affected.
- Government worker. Since government workers barely task, let alone multi-task, their high accident rate is most likely attributable to the amount of time they spent on their cell phones booking their six weeks of taxpayer-funded vacation before falling asleep at the wheel during their mandatory coffee/cigarette breaks.
- Bartender or waiter. Working long hours until late at night or even into the early morning hours, it is no wonder that bartenders and waiters are falling asleep at the wheel of the car and having accidents on the way home. They would have ranked higher in this study of insurance applicants, but most couldn’t apply because their drivers licenses are still suspended over their latest DUIs.
- Other-Professional. If you select “other” as your profession on your insurance application, insurance companies reward your evasive behavior by jacking up your insurance rates. They assume that if you don’t want to tell them what you do for a living, they probably don’t want to insure you while doing it.
- Dog Groomer. Spending the day being bitten by dogs on the hands and forearms has a tendency to make it difficult to drive those large vans with giant fluffy dog heads on top. Much like the barbers/stylists who came in at number 8, dog groomers spend the day wearing out their hands, getting hair in their eyes, and dealing with customers who don’t appreciate what they do. They rank higher in the number of accidents than barbers and stylists because most barbers and stylists are not mauled by their customers.
- Marketing/Advertising. These are actually the worst drivers in America. However, their skills in public relations help them talk their way out of enough accidents to drop their statistical ranking down to number 7. If there is ever a convention of marketing and advertising professionals in your town, stay at home and lock your doors until the convention has been over for at least a week.
- Barber/Stylist. Their hands are tired, they’ve got your hair in their eyes, and they’ve had to spend the day listening to you whine about your hair not making you look like a movie star. What do you expect? If their exhaustion combines with bottled rage into an explosion of bad driving behind the wheel, just be grateful it didn’t happen while they still had a sharp pair of scissors near your throat.
- Coach. The recent driving arrests of famous coaches such as Billy Gillispie put a spotlight on the driving habits of some coaches. A search for the phrase “coach arrested” demonstrates why the rest of them were unable to concentrate on their driving. When you spend much of your day driving around looking for drugs, worrying about your upcoming sexual assault trial, and venting your road rage at other drivers the way you yell at the players on your team when you are losing a game, it is no surprise that a few auto accidents are going to happen.
- Nurse. Just as nurses often take the blame for the screw-ups of the doctors at the hospitals and medical offices, they do the same when driving the doctor-boss to lunch at his favorite restaurant or hotel. While switching seats with the driver is not legal nor medically necessary, doctors make nurses do this at accident scenes by cleverly telling them to “keep your foot on the brake while I check for injuries in the other car.” With medical malpractice insurance being the most profitable market of the entire insurance industry, insurance companies are happy to look the other way for their favorite customers who use this trick to avoid the statistical top 10.
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