Attorney

Defense of Marriage Act Not Defendable In Court

February 24, 2011 by pfeifer

Image via Wikipedia

The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) will no longer be defended in court by the Obama administration, according to an announcement by Attorney General Eric Holder. The Defense of Marriage Act, a facially discriminatory statute that barred federal recognition of same-sex marriages (thus preventing gay married couples from receiving the same federal benefits as heterosexual married couples), has been defended in court by the Obama administration pursuant to his duty as President to enforce the nation’s laws. However, the administration has now asserted that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional and will no longer be enforced.

While gay marriage advocates have faced a number of setbacks in court recently, this move by Obama is a major step forward in undoing some of the discriminatory practices that exist in government. The political implications of the executive branch of government refusing to enforce legislation will also have far-reaching impact as well. While the Obama administration will continue to enforce the Defense of Marriage Act until it is declared unconstitutional in court, their refusal to defend the law’s constitutionality in court makes the overturning of this law likely to happen sooner than later. There are already at least two lawsuits pending to declare DOMA unconstitutional.

In an article called No More Defense of the Defense of Marriage Act – A Major Step Forward for Gay Rights, I posed the question of whether a president can refuse to enforce a law passed by Congress. For example, if Congress passes a law over the President’s veto, what authority does the president still have to defy it? On the other hand, how can the President take an oath to defend the Constitution only to then be forced to defend an unconstitutional law in court?

I have only one complaint about the President’s decision. He should have adopted this position a few days ago when I was in the Outwrite Bookstore and Coffeehouse, so that I could have talked to some of the customers about how this may change their lives. I would have loved to have been around to see their reaction when this news was released.

Congratulations to the members of the gay and lesbian community, who have just taken a major step forward in achieving equal rights under the law. I hope that a court ruling officially declaring the law unconstitutional will be issued soon.

Black robe disease – why the abuse of power is rampant among judges and the American judiciary

March 17, 2010 by pfeifer

Judge in Black Robe.

Black robe disease (also known as black robe syndrome) is a condition which is not widely known to the general public, but which every trial lawyer in the country could describe in great detail if they were not too afraid to speak out against judges suffering from it. It afflicts those lawyers who have reached the pinnacle of professional status by achieving the position of judge, infecting all levels of the American judicial system.

Black robe disease is characterized by exhibiting three or more (though frequently all) of the following symptoms:

Inflated ego and an excessive sense of self-importance
Lack of empathy
Sudden outbursts of rage (whether genuine or exhibited for show)
Refusal to effectively manage scheduling issues
Belief in a double standard when it comes to the judge’s own conduct
Lack of patience with inexperienced lawyers
Hostility towards lawyers more knowledgeable than the judge
Inability to work efficiently
A compulsion to waste the time of others
Imperious attitude
The belief that his or her words are dogma
An obsessive desire to be kissed on the ass

Most lawyers who become judges are able to stave off the symptoms of this illness from somewhere between 6 to 18 months, depending on their prior moral character and their experience as a litigator. However, studies indicate approximately 96.2% of all judges ultimately succumb to this disease (according to a random double-blind study fabricated for this article). The small percentage who are able to avoid black robe syndrome do so only by a strict regimen of prayer, meditation, and vodka.

What can be done about black robe disease? Unfortunately, there is no known cure. Removing one judge from office requires putting another one in his place who will likely fall victim to the same condition, so that method of treatment has been found ineffective. Due to the absurd level of power granted to judges by our judicial system (created, conveniently enough, by judges), there is little that can be done other than raise public awareness of the issue. Raising public awareness does absolutely nothing to solve the problem, but at least people may be more understanding when they see a lawyer walking out of a courthouse shouting obscenities and making a beeline to the nearest bar.

Do you have a favorite story about a judge afflicted with black robe disease? If so, please post it in the Comments section at the bottom of this article. If you can include a link to your story, that will be even better.

Note: special thanks to my former law partner Richard D. Jensen, author of the newly released biography The Nicest Fella – The Life of Ben Johnson: The world champion rodeo cowboy who became an Oscar-winning movie star and Ashes and Dust, for inspiring this article with his recent unpublished email rants against black robe disease. Also thanks to another former law partner Ray Kolb for his wise suggestions on this post. Ray’s short story “The Siege of Ravelin” was recently published in the anthology Shadows & Light: Tales of Lost Kingdoms.

State of North Carolina v. Douglas Shane Wright (judge’s remarks to defense counsel in front of jury create prejudicial negative atmosphere)

Judge arranges sterilization of woman as “suggestion” in the terms of her probation.

L.A. judge is removed for ‘shocking abuse of power’

N.Y. panel orders judge’s removal for abuse of power, misapplying law

Doubletongued.org – black robe disease

Nix on Crime – Black Robe Disease

Judge Jay Hockenbury – New Years Resolutions

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Study of most dangerous drivers by profession says lawyers are worst drivers in America

March 9, 2010 by pfeifer

: Image via Wikipedia

A new study released by Insurance.com reported the ten most dangerous drivers by profession. In what is either proof of Karma or of a scam by the insurance industry to screw over lawyers on their car insurance rates, the study ranked lawyers #1 as the profession most likely to be in an automobile accident. According to the study, 44% of all lawyers and judges reported filing accident claims in the past. Factoring in the propensity of lawyers to lie, this roughly equates to 97% of all lawyers and judges having been in automobile accidents in the past (the remaining 3% are the ones who make more money than the other 97% combined, and therefore use a chauffeur).

Sam Belden, vice-president of Insurance.com, attributed the number of auto accidents to the top 10 professions due to one major factor – multitasking. “Professions that demand multi-tasking – being on the phone, moving fast on a tight schedule – are prone to more distractions and, from there, more accidents,” said Belden.

These ten professions are not the only ones involving a high level of multitasking, so why did these 10 in particular rise to the top of the list? The Insurance.com study did not address that issue, so we decided to engage in our own analysis of the situation. Our process involved taking core statistical data, engaging in wild speculation about the meaning of the data, making assumptions based on the speculative conclusions which we liked, and then fabricating out of thin air any remaining facts necessary to support the conclusions we wanted. Thus, our conclusions are roughly as accurate as the average White House economic projection.

Lawyers/Judges. Lawyers, and their judicial counterparts in black robes, are the profession most likely to be in a car accident. This statistic is somewhat unfair to the lawyers and judges because it fails to account for how often they are run off the road by angry citizen drivers. Couple this with the glee with which a cop will blame a lawyer for a car accident whenever possible, and the poor lawyers and judges never really had a chance. The insurance industry denied any link between classifying lawyers as high-risk drivers (and thus charging them higher insurance premiums) with the amount of money lawyers cost insurance companies each year in lawsuits, but we know a conspiracy when we see one. As soon as we find the right plaintiff in the right judicial forum, we’ll be filing a class action lawsuit to prove it.
Financial Professionals. No doubt their driving was first affected by their tears over the collapse of the financial markets, quickly followed by booty dancing while driving as they learned they were still getting their multi-million dollar bonuses, courtesy of the taxpayer-funded TARP program. After swinging through more moods than a manic-depressive smoking crack and taking quaaludes, it is no wonder that the driving of bankers and investment advisors was affected.
Government worker. Since government workers barely task, let alone multi-task, their high accident rate is most likely attributable to the amount of time they spent on their cell phones booking their six weeks of taxpayer-funded vacation before falling asleep at the wheel during their mandatory coffee/cigarette breaks.
Bartender or waiter. Working long hours until late at night or even into the early morning hours, it is no wonder that bartenders and waiters are falling asleep at the wheel of the car and having accidents on the way home. They would have ranked higher in this study of insurance applicants, but most couldn’t apply because their drivers licenses are still suspended over their latest DUIs.
Other-Professional. If you select “other” as your profession on your insurance application, insurance companies reward your evasive behavior by jacking up your insurance rates. They assume that if you don’t want to tell them what you do for a living, they probably don’t want to insure you while doing it.
Dog Groomer. Spending the day being bitten by dogs on the hands and forearms has a tendency to make it difficult to drive those large vans with giant fluffy dog heads on top. Much like the barbers/stylists who came in at number 8, dog groomers spend the day wearing out their hands, getting hair in their eyes, and dealing with customers who don’t appreciate what they do. They rank higher in the number of accidents than barbers and stylists because most barbers and stylists are not mauled by their customers.
Marketing/Advertising. These are actually the worst drivers in America. However, their skills in public relations help them talk their way out of enough accidents to drop their statistical ranking down to number 7. If there is ever a convention of marketing and advertising professionals in your town, stay at home and lock your doors until the convention has been over for at least a week.
Barber/Stylist. Their hands are tired, they’ve got your hair in their eyes, and they’ve had to spend the day listening to you whine about your hair not making you look like a movie star. What do you expect? If their exhaustion combines with bottled rage into an explosion of bad driving behind the wheel, just be grateful it didn’t happen while they still had a sharp pair of scissors near your throat.
Coach. The recent driving arrests of famous coaches such as Billy Gillispie put a spotlight on the driving habits of some coaches. A search for the phrase “coach arrested” demonstrates why the rest of them were unable to concentrate on their driving. When you spend much of your day driving around looking for drugs, worrying about your upcoming sexual assault trial, and venting your road rage at other drivers the way you yell at the players on your team when you are losing a game, it is no surprise that a few auto accidents are going to happen.
Nurse. Just as nurses often take the blame for the screw-ups of the doctors at the hospitals and medical offices, they do the same when driving the doctor-boss to lunch at his favorite restaurant or hotel. While switching seats with the driver is not legal nor medically necessary, doctors make nurses do this at accident scenes by cleverly telling them to “keep your foot on the brake while I check for injuries in the other car.” With medical malpractice insurance being the most profitable market of the entire insurance industry, insurance companies are happy to look the other way for their favorite customers who use this trick to avoid the statistical top 10.

For more loosely-based conclusions based on questionable data, please visit our blog every day – or at least each day that we bother to put up a new post. You can be notified of new articles by following us on Twitter at http://twitter.com/stubbornwriter.

Why your lawyer won’t take or return your phone calls – top 10 reasons

February 19, 2010 by pfeifer

The most frequent complaint about lawyers is they won’t take or return phone calls. Articles on this subject usually sugarcoat the issue, give some blah blah blah about professional responsibility, or try to it wrap up in a touchy-feely feel-good win-win conclusion. No one really wants to tell you what is going on. You want the truth about why your lawyer doesn’t want to talk to you? Here are the top ten reasons your attorney won’t return your calls.

10. Your lawyer is busy on something more important. While you may think and act like you are your lawyer’s only client, the reality is that a lot of other people hired the same attorney as you. Your business alone will not pay your lawyer’s bills. Lawyers have to meet crucial deadlines. They spend hours standing around in courtrooms, and more hours researching and preparing to stand around in courtrooms. They are in meetings with clients, interviewing witnesses, taking depositions, and a million other important things. Your whiney question about a case that won’t be going to trial for two or three years is not as pressing as the case set for trial tomorrow.

9. There is nothing new to tell you. Many people believe that there are always new developments in their case, or that there should be. In reality, most cases involve many periods of intense activity but also include many times of little or no activity. For example, if you send interrogatories to the opposing party, there is probably nothing going on until they submit their answers a month from now. If all discovery has been done and you are just waiting for trial, you could experience months of inactivity in a case just waiting to get in front of a judge. If there is nothing to tell you, your call inquiring about the status of the case may not get returned until there is absolutely nothing else of any importance that the lawyer needs to do.

8. You talk too much. Some people act like a lawyer has all the time in the world, and want to chat endlessly about trivial matters that just aren’t relevant. Lawyers quickly learn which clients can be efficient and which ones are time hogs. If you know how to get to the point, get your answer, and move on, your lawyer is much more likely to return your calls than if he or she knows that your call will go on forever. Lawyers are busy, they only have a limited number of hours in a day, and they can’t spend all day listening to you blab on and on. It’s nothing personal, you are just a waste of time. If the lawyer starts the conversation with, “I’ve only got 5 minutes before I have to do X,” that may be a warning sign that you are a time waster. Make your calls short and to the point, and you’ll hear from your lawyer sooner and more often.

7. Your lawyer has issues. Surprisingly few people do much research before hiring a lawyer. This lack of diligence works out well for lawyers with substance abuse problems, mental illnesses, or a poor work ethic. What do you really know about this person who has been entrusted with the most important matters in your life? Statistics indicate that lawyers suffer from alcoholism and depression at rates significantly higher than the general population. In fact, lawyers have the most alcoholics of any profession. You may have hired a fantastic attorney who is swamped with work, or you may have hired an alcoholic lawyer who is too drunk to talk to you right now.

6. Your lawyer screwed up. While still fairly rare, this does happen more often than people realize. Your lawyer could be avoiding telling you the unpleasant truth that your case has already been lost. How can this happen? The most common way is that the lawyer missed a filing deadline. If there was a statute of limitations on when your case had to be filed with the court and the lawyer missed that deadline, then you are screwed. Your lawyer doesn’t want to tell you because he or she doesn’t want to have to admit to committing malpractice. So he stalls, delays, and avoids you until he can figure out a way out of this mess.

5. Your lawyer is an ass. Most lawyers are not as bad as the reputation of the profession would lead one to believe. In fact, most are ordinary people who just happen to be in a job that turns them into bitter, cynical asses who hate what they do every day. Most started out with high aspirations for all the good they could do in the world as a lawyer, only to discover so much of the job is just doing the bidding of some of the sorriest SOBs on the planet (such as you). This is very hard on one’s soul, and over time it can turn lawyers into rather unpleasant people. Note: It could also be that he was already an ass before becoming a lawyer, in which case joining the legal profession is like living a dream for him.

4. You are not the client. It is absolutely amazing how many people think they have a right to know what is going on in other people’s cases. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, ex-wives, employers – the number of people who call lawyers wanting to know “what is going on” would surprise most people. If you are leaving messages about someone else’s case and aren’t getting a return call, consider that the lawyer has no obligation to call you. The lawyer doesn’t represent you, can’t tell you anything, and really doesn’t have time to argue with you about why he can’t tell you anything. It doesn’t matter if you are the client’s momma, if you have written authorization, if you have a power of attorney for the client, or even if you are paying the bill. If you aren’t the client, mind your own business.

3. You are an idiot. This one is pretty self-explanatory. You are a dumbass who doesn’t understand anything you are told, or who disregards it to do whatever you want to do anyway. You are going to be getting into trouble for the rest of your life because you are just so dumb. Seen those “stupid criminal” videos? That’s you. Your lawyer is tired of telling you what to do, only to watch you disregard it to indulge your impulses or because you think you are smarter than everyone else. You aren’t. No one likes to waste time talking to a moron.

2. You won’t listen. This one often overlaps with “you are an idiot.” No matter how many times something is explained to you, you ask the same questions over and over because you don’t like the answers you received. You think that if you ask the same question over and over, at some point the answer will change into something you want to hear. This isn’t your mommy saying you can’t have a cookie and finally giving in because you asked for it 100 times. If you’ve been told the same answer a dozen times already, maybe it is because that really is the answer. Since the lawyer doesn’t want to tell you again, he just won’t bother talking to you.

1. You are an ass. The biggest reason that your lawyer doesn’t want to talk to you is that you are an ass. You are rude, demanding, pushy, arrogant, whiney, and annoying. You think that you can catch more flies with a flamethrower than with honey. Your lawyer is the only person who is trying to help you, and yet you want to treat him like this? Hating you is not a good motivator for trying to help win your case. The squeaky wheel may get the grease, but it doesn’t get a returned phone call. Try being polite and pleasant, and you’ll have much better communications with your lawyer.

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